Friday, March 28, 2008

Friday Free for All!!

 

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ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
FOUR
I recently saw young lady weeping by her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk." (she had no clue either!)
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT
Police in Radnor , Pa . interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
NINE
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine. The mother says, "Okay, but, I just gave him some ant killer..... " Dispatcher: "Rush him in to emergency room!"

Life is tough .
It's tougher if you're stupid

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paula deen

Shop now!

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A 3-year-old tells all from his mother's restroom stall.

My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker.  He loves to communicate and does it quite well.  He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window.  People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned-3-year-old.  And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume.  It's always fully cranked.  There've been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco. Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall:


'Mommy, are you gonna go potty? 

Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy? 

Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now? 

Mommy, what are you doing?

Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?'

At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full ... 4? 5?  Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity.  Cade continued: 'Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you? 

Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy! 

Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty?

Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! 

Oh ... Mommy! I'm trying to see In dere. 

Oh! I see dem. Dat is a very good girl, Mommy.

You are gonna get some candy!'

I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me.  Where is a screaming new born when you need her?  Good grief.  This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting. Trying to divert him, I said, 'Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy.  We'll both have some!' 'No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies. 

Oh! Mommy!'  He started to gag at this point. 

'Uh - oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. 

Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!!

Dat is so gross!!'  

As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall.  I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject.  I began to reason with myself: OK.  There are four other toilets.  If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone. 
'Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now?

I want you to be done going stinkies!

Get up! Get up!' He grunted as he tried to pull me off.  Now I could hear full-blown laughter.  I bent down to count the feet outside my door.  'Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? 

You wooking under da door? 

What were you wooking at Mommy?

You wooking at the wady's feet?' 

More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation.

'Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now.

We have to go out now, Mommy.'

He started pounding on the door. 'Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands?  I want to go out!!' I saw that my 'wait 'em out' plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened the door, and found standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud. My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought, 'Where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy?'  But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow. Embarrassed

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Quote of the Day:

March is a tomboy with tousled hair,

a mischievous smile, mud on her shoes

and a laugh in her voice.

~Hal Borland

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2 comments:

Beverly said...

Oh my gosh! I am laughing out loud at the child and mommy in the bathroom stall.

That made my day. Thanks for the smile.

justabeachkat said...

Oh.My.Word!! Thanks for some good belly laughs!

Hugs!
Kat