Friday, May 30, 2008

Friday Free for All.....

First for all of you Lexophiles out there:

-- I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.Then it hit me.
-- Police were called to a day care where athree-year-old was resisting a rest.
-- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left sidewas cut off? He's all right now.
-- To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
-- The short fortune teller who escaped from prisonwas a small medium at large.
-- A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
-- When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
-- The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
-- The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
-- The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
-- The dentist and manicurist fought tooth and nail.
-- A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
-- A will is a dead giveaway.
-- A backward poet writes inverse.
-- A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
-- With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
-- A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in linoleum blownapart.
-- He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
-- A calendar's days are numbered.
-- A boiled egg is hard to beat.
-- If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .
-- When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
-- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis
-- Acupuncture: a jab well done.

And on the same lines:

When you rearrange the letters:
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Yep! Someone with waaaaytoo much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)
I don't know about you but I love Paul Newman, and I don't think you need to be of the older persuasion to appreciate his good looks, those blue eyes, and his talent and generosity!
If you are not one of the above women, and don't understand this, share with your mother, she'll get it!!
True story:
A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited.

One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.

There was only one other patron in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee. The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star struck woman smiled demurely.
Pull yourself together! She chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children, you're forty-five years old, not a teenager!
The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction. When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty. Where 's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something! No ice cream cone was in sight..
With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face broke into his familiar, warm,friendly grin and he said to the woman,

"You put it in your purse."
Now the following is an oldie but a goodie to me and
you don't even have to be a mom to enjoy this one:
"Dinner with Mom"
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was.
Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between
Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
She started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer
Than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking,
but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying,
'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the
beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'
Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mom,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer,
I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer.
But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed,
she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
"Fifty Dollars is Fifty Dollars"
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
And finally:
Nostalgic scenes and things no longer said:
Be sure to refill the ice trays, we're going to have company.
Watch for the postman, I want to get this letter to Willie in the mail today
Quit slamming the screen door when you go out !
Be sure and pull the windows down when you leave, it looks like a shower is coming up.
Don't forget to wind the clock before you go to bed.
Wash your feet before you go to bed, you've been playing outside all day barefooted.
Why can't you remember to roll up your britches legs? Getting them caught in the bicycle chain so many times is tearing them up.
You have torn the knees out of that pair of pants so many times there is nothing left to put a patch on.
Don't you go outside with your school clothes on!
Go comb your hair; it looks like the rats have nested in it all night.
Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk when you open the new bottle.
Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won't have to pay a deposit on another one.
Put a dish towel over the cake so the flies won't get on it.
Quit jumping on the floor! I have a cake in the oven and you are going to
make it fall if you don't quit!
Let me know when the Fuller Brush man comes by, I need to get a few things from him.
You boys stay close by, the car may not start and I will need you to help push it off.
There's a dollar in my purse, get 5 gallons of gas when you go to town.
Open the back door and see if we can get a breeze through here, it is getting hot.
You can walk to the store; it won't hurt you to get some exercise.
Don't sit too close to the TV. It is hard on your eyes.
If you pull that stunt again, I am going to wear you out!
Don't lose that button; I'll sew it back on after awhile.
Wash under your neck before you come to the table,
you have beads of dirt and sweat all under there.
Get out from under the sewing machine; pumping it messes up the thread!
Be sure and fill the lamps this morning so we don't have to do that tonight in the dark.
Here, take this old magazine to the toilet with you when you go,
we are almost out of paper out there.
Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water so I can wash dishes.
Don't turn the radio on now, I want the battery to be up when the Grand Ole Opry comes on.
No! I don't have 10 cents for you to go to the show. Do you think money grows on trees?
Eat those turnips, they'll make you big and strong like your daddy.
That dog is NOT coming in this house! I don't care how cold it is out there,
dogs don't stay in the house.
Sit still! I'm trying to get your hair cut straight and you keep moving and it is all messed up.
Hush your mouth! I don't want to hear words like that! I'll wash your mouth out with soap!
It is time for your system to be cleaned out. I am going to give you a dose of castor oil tonight.
If you get a spanking in school and I find out about it, you'll get another one when you get home!
Quit crossing your eyes! They will get stuck that way!
Soak your foot in this pan of kerosene so that bad cut won't get infected.
When you take your driving test, don't forget to signal each turn.
Left arm straight out the window for a left turn; left arm bent up at the elbow for a right turn; and straight down to the side of the door when you are going to stop.
It's: 'Yes Ma'am!' and 'No Ma'am!' to me, young man, and don't you forget it!
Y'all come back to the Beaufort Lookout now, ya hear!

1 comment:

luvmy4sons said...

I wonder how often he causes people to do things like put their ice cream in their purse! Too funny! Ran out of time will e back later to read more!