Monday, August 23, 2010

The Times They Are a Changing...

and I don't think I am handling it well.
Welcome to my pitty party!!

I know that change is for the better, but I don't like the change I am going through right now. It was just Miss Brooke and me for 12 years (with my parents there to help). Her biological father, my ex husband, really wasn't around not long after she was born. He would come and he would go, never really being a part of her life, definitely never contributing to her life and was "forever gone" when she was about a year and a half. It was me and my mini-me. We did everything together. I didn't date, I didn't think it was fair to her. Other than 1 or 2 dates when she was little I really didn't date until she was 7. I dated the same person for several years. And then when she was 11, I met honey. Now you may think 11 years isn't that long of time, but when it is just the 2 of you, it is a lifetime. She is and always has been my lifeline.

Preparing for college was much fun. And people would ask me how I was holding up and if I was doing ok. My answer was always, just fine. And I really was. I was very excited for her. I knew that there would be changes for both of us, but we could handle it. I would joke with friends that I was fine for now, and I would be when we took her to school because I was going to take some Xanax and easily make it through the day. And I never took the Xanax and I never shed a tear until I heard her sniffle when she hugged her "papa" goodbye and then the tears came. You might remember that when I wrote about the dorm room last week.

 While discussing college choices, honey though that Miss Brooke should go to the school that was closest to home (about 2 hours away) because we are so close and she would be too homesick and miss me too much and worry about me too much (due to my illnesses...if your curious, it is in the Beaufort Belle tab) and would want to come home to check on me. I told him she needed to be further away, it would make her more independant, not come home as often, and that she would not miss me as much as he thought she would. And that we always have cell phones. In fact, she made me get a new webcam and mic before she left for school so we could skype.

I never thought my comment would come true. I don't think she misses me as much as I had hoped she would. Don't get me wrong...I want this to be the best time of her life, and she has met a ton of people already and hanging out with new friends and being invited to do this and do that by different sorority girls (all legal...nothing to break "RUSH" rules or "Recruitment rules"). She is having the time of her life, and it shows and you hear it in her voice. And I am so proud of her and am amazed by her everyday. She really is a brand new butterfly, now out of the cocoon, ready to fly. I am so happy for her.

I know she misses me, but it doesn't show. I miss her calling me multiple times a day just to say "Hi Mom" or "I love you mom" or just calling me because she was bored at work. I miss that she doesn't need my help or suggestions or to answer questions on doing her laundry. I miss my little girl. But she no longer is my little girl. She is a young woman making her way in the world. Using what I taught her over the years to make her way. I know she is doing great and that she loves me and that she does miss me.

I just wished she missed me a little bit more.

PROMISE: A more upbeat post tomorrow!


AtlYankeeBelle said...

I know she misses you. when I went to college I was homesick every night but my RA advised me only to call home a few times bc it would only make it worse. Perhaps a good luck at rush care package is in-store. I know she will appreciate it. Just know that even though she doesnt call 2-3x a day doesnt mean she isnt home sick and missing you

Rebecca said...

Jenn, that was my comment above that was deleted. Having a problem logging in for some reason. Anyhoo.... wanted to say that your sweet post had me sniffling. I know your baby girl misses you. She just doesn't want you to know it. She probably just doesn't want to upset you. Its a huge adjustment for you, I know. I am so excited for her though, and for rush, and for all the fabulous fun things in store for her. You're a groovy mom who's raised an awesome young woman. Love you girlfriend!

Joann said...

Jenn, AtlBelle is right. They do suggest you don't call home as much. When Julie went off she barely called at all that first week and it broke my heart (no, let me re-phrase that, it re-broke my heart). Later she told me that she was so homesick that she was afraid to call home for fear she would say come get me. I'm glad she stuck it out. We are both stronger for it. Now it isn't easy with Bek leaving today but it is EASIER. Feel free to call me anytime you need a shoulder, girlfriend!!!